Good Orderly Direction
September 7, 2007 by Diva Jood
The Second Step of Alcoholics Anonymous explains why I’ve become a bit silent as a blogger of late. The step says simply: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Of late, I’ve been feeling off-center, dis-eased, and this emotional imbalance has been fueled by rage and a focus on what is wrong with our nation. I confess, it has been making me feel thirsty - a dangerous condition for a person like me.
Over the course of the year, I have participated in the blogswarms against theocracy in July and in April because I believe in a power greater than myself. Isn’t that a paradox? I am not anti-religion; I am very much about mandating how I should believe. But then I remember what it says in Step Two:
We gloated over the hypocrisy, bigotry, and crushing self-righteousness that clung to so many `believers’ even in their Sunday best. How we loved to shout the damaging fact that millions of the `good men of religion’ were still killing one another off in the name of God. This all meant, of course, that we had substituted negative for positive thinking.
What I can control is my own behavior. I am unable to continue to point out the wrongs of others, because it makes ME feel ill. I have the disease of alcoholism, and for me, focus on negative thinking makes me feel ill, and when I feel ill, I feel thirsty. I want to drink at the problems. I feel overwhelmed and incapable of fixing anything. I substitute negative for positive thinking.
So I became quiet at my own blog. I’ve posted infrequently here. I’m trying to focus on what I CAN do, which is simple and clear and clean: I need to practice ethical morality and be the example of what I want to see in the world. As a sober woman, I need to be the change I want to see. And while I have not closed up shop completely over at Journeys with Jood, I will not post on a regular basis. I must really keep it simple, for me. Anger is a luxury I cannot afford. Once I know the problem, I have to focus on what makes it right rather than how wrong or fucked up it is - rage is something that younger people can handle but I cannot.
I am not silent - but my focus must change. My method of speaking and reading must change. It must, or I will lose. And frankly, my friends, it is ALL about me!
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I just came over from Journeys. I’ll watch for your posts.
Bravo for your vigilance, Jood. I hope that my warning signal system is as sensitive if ever I find myself leaning in that direction.
I found that I was becoming furious till I started the photoshopping. It restored me to a more giggly state, and I am able to balance things better as long as I can come up with a tacky image for the goings-on that would otherwise make me crazy or drunk or both.
I left this comment over at Journeys with Jood:
You write exactly why Roger and I don’t post about politics, why we live in the country, hike around looking for things to remind us that the world is not only the terrible things we read about in the news. We don’t deny that the horrors of the world exist, but we can’t let it be the only thing we see. I am glad that you are taking care of yourself. I’ve been thinking of you and wishing you the very best, divajood. I miss your voice, but am glad that you are doing what you must to be whole and healthy. Be well, my friend.
I still drink ~ and it isn’t helping…I feel just like you DivaJood..spiritually worn out, so tired of all the yelling, so scared, at a loss, so familar with this ground I stand on ..keep whole my friend,take care, stay sane.
TYPO ALERT: I am not anti-religion; I am very much about mandating how I should believe. I meant to write:
I am very much about NOT mandating how, or what, I should believe. It’s nobody’s business but my own! I don’t tell you what, or how, or IF you should believe, so don’t tell me.
Whew.
Diva…I dislike so much that you are feeling this way…but can completely understand why you must protect yourself. We are at a crossroad with our own country that necessitates that we each evaluate our own feelings and what is best for them. No one is going to look out for us it seems but ourselves. We all cannot be adrift in this ocean of uncertainty or there would be utter chaos. Rather than looking for our leaders to guide us…we must make that individual journey alone as you have mentioned above. Our circumstances will have to play out that is certain…but there are those of us that will have to take a distant seat as it does. Some things in this life are not meant to be embraced whole souled and whole heartedly…it just is not physically or mentally possible. Everyone has decisions of this nature to make…and soon it seems. This is your way of surviving it…and you were very smart to recognize this before it was too late. You are to be applauded for your fortitude of spirit…many would not have that.
diva- if you aren’t healthy, you can’t be the change that you want to see. let us know that you are still around
besides, you can post about positive changes instead of negative. there are still enough angry people around to pick up the slack 
i feel the need to change the way i post too- not for spiritual reasons or because i am worn out. i am simply practical. there isn’t going to be any change in this country right now. the people in power have crossed their t’s and dotted their i’s and are in full control with no one to stop them. i plan to do what i can to save the environment and reduce my impact on the planet. i also plan to hunker down and prepare for the worst. and hope that my previous blogging doesn’t’ land me in a secret prison as a dissenter. keeping my fingers crossed on that one 
i have a tart tongue. america of we, the people, is over. the american republic- is over. we have to go on the defensive now- we don’t have the luxury of being on the offensive.
that doesn’t mean you can’t start some good discussions on the forum though
Ah, my dear sisters! I think, for me, it is a matter of how I speak, and what I look at. Robin and Roger are wonderful examples - they are protectors of their local environment, and focus on what is in front of them.
Last night, I went to the Art Openings locally - First Thursday - and for the first time in a while, felt energized. I filled my personal well by looking at art!
Over Labor Day Weekend, I played with Ellie Bean, who is about as funny a child as can be - she imitated my “stern gramma” look, and made fun of me all weekend - she’s two, mind you.
Focus is everything.
I’ve had a lot of negative in my life at times. I have found in order to survive it I have to focus on the positive. It works for me most of the time. I like to be aware of what’s going on and be involved. I can’t eat, sleep and breath it though. I get you.
Mary, being aware is important. Being obsessed is dangerous. That’s what I need to steer clear of. I am not emotionally equipped to handle rage. Indignation is dangerous territory for me. So what to do?
Garden. Recycle. Take walks. Vote my conscience. Love my grandbaby. Be still. Be grateful.
Betmo, I forgot to mention that I love all the smiley faces in your comment. They’re happy little faces.
It’s always best to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else. Whether you blog full time or when you feel the mood is right, your friends will be waiting to hear from you.
It should always be about you!
I think that what is happening is that people are also wondering how to be productive and actually make a difference. This might be a way for some, for me- its not really the best way for me. I have to work in person, hands on. We all have different skills and things we bring to the table.
For example, instead of bching about the useless Democrats and why they wont listen, I try to work in political planning to bring my concerns to them and ASK these questions. How can I help elect more progressive people to offices? How can I help get THOSE messages out?
Venting is good, but are we talking to people who dont disagree? Preaching to the choir? And if we are talking to others, are we changing anyone’s mind? These are things we all probably wonder at different times.
We only have so many hours in the day, and we already have things we need to do with our kids or homes or work. The question becomes about priority and how we choose to spend the time we have.
Recently I tried to really ask the question: What is the good of rage, truth, anger- if I dont do something? What should that something be? Does it make a difference, should I continue?
If I am angry but it stops there, as it does for many (not here, I mean in general) then how am I really different than the people who just sit and drink the kool aid?
hello sister. funny how the universe works, isn’t it? i have been feeling precisely this same way. realized that despite 24 years of sobriety, i haven’t been on my knees in month. i am powerless over all things and sometimes letting go is all i can do. it becomes overwhelming to me and i don’t know if it’s my alcoholic mind or if it’s just life, but i recognize the danger in becoming so overwhelmed with what is wrong that i miss what is right.
thank you so much for the reminder.
[...] wrong in the world, over injustice, those combine poorly with the spiritual life I try to lead. DivaJood’s post on Good Orderly Direction was very timely for me, finding it as I did this morning, when I am on my 4th day of a needed [...]