what is right
September 9, 2007 by Big Ass Belle
In response to what’s going on this country, in the world, I have recently fallen into a state of despair. Disrepair, actually, of the spiritual kind. It’s hard to live a spiritual life while focusing solely on what’s not working in the world. As an activist from way back, I’ve experienced other periods of time during which I hit an emotional bottom because the world was so far off track. Despite my best efforts and my heart breaking time and again, racism continues, the ERA will never pass even if I march around the world, and my right to choose what happens to my body is newly at risk. People are dying in Darfur, an unjust war based on the lies of one conscienceless bastard continues, another soldier will lose his legs today and another may lose her life, another Iraqi family was blown up while a general prepares to lie to us tomorrow. It is overwhelming, too much.
I was thinking of what to write this morning, having intentionally spent less time on the news, less time reading blogs, the international papers, less time with what I cannot control. I have been spending more time with family, with taking care of myself. I’ve looked at houses with my nephew and though I want to, I do not ask “what’s the point? the world as we know it is ending, we are facing economic collapse, environmental destruction, what is the point?” I do not ask that because I recognize that I am out of balance and, as such, I have no right to steal his joy, his excitement.
There’s a reason why soldiers have tours of duty, why they’re supposed to rotate out and allow others to step up and take over. I am in no way comparing myself to a soldier, but the concept works for those who care passionately about this country, who wish to right the wrongs that have been done by the Bush thugs, who want desperately to avoid what seems a catastrophe looming ahead.
I am no good to myself, my family, to my country, if I am at such a point of despair that I can only wring my hands and wail. I’ve been close of late. It is easy to get there for those of us paying attention. Unlike the real soldiers, I can rotate out for R&R and I have done so this week with a sense of gratitude and a prayer that this fucking war will eventually end for those trapped in Iraq.
Being a rowdy woman, an in your face kind of activist, I’ve never one to simply sit back and visualize whirled peas. I’d rather coldcock you with my pistol and be done with it. I haven’t got a lot of patience. The lack of patience, the tendency toward aggression, the rage that I feel over what’s wrong in the world, over injustice, those combine poorly with the spiritual life I try to lead. DivaJood’s post on Good Orderly Direction was very timely for me, finding it as I did this morning, when I am on my 4th day of a needed psychic recovery. She wrote about anger and living a spiritual life, how those are in conflict and how difficult it is to find balance.
I am, momentarily, out of fight. It’s not a permanent condition. I am simply making a decision to pay attention to what’s right. I am paying attention to the fact that thousands and thousands of my fellow citizens are gathering in Washington and elsewhere this week to protest this godawful war. I am making note of the fact that everywhere the alternative internet-based press is leading us forward in continuing to educate and inform the citizenry, despite the MSM lapdogs again lining up to kiss the ass of Bush and his cronies. I am anticipating Al Gore’s coming environmental work, a follow-up to An Inconvenient Truth. I am grateful that there are ~ truly ~ many people in leadership positions in this country who recognize what is happening and who are fighting to right the wrongs.
Looking back at Yearly Kos, a little over a month ago, I continue to find myself inspired by the words of Digby, who writes at the blog Hullabaloo, as she accepted the Paul Wellstone award on behalf of the progressive blogosphere. Read and find hope. There are too many of us, tiny voices and big ones, to be silenced. We will ultimately prevail and I believe that ~ I must ~ just for today.
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Ah, yes. The focus on what is right actually builds on itself. Years ago, I think I was two years sober at the time, my sponsor told me that whatever I pay attention to is what will grow - and now, fast forward, here I am with 19 + years sober and I found myself just spiritually overwhelmed by my focus on the problem. So my own blogging had to take a back seat.
Guess what’s happening? I’m re-discovering that I paint! Yesterday, I got hold of some really luscious soft pastels, handmade in the UK, and I’m drawing up a storm. Self-healing. If I am out of whack, I am unable to be of use to anyone else.
Thanks for the mention, Belle!
I do enjoy Digby’s posts too BaB.
I find my anger very motivational for me, I realize that others do not.
For me, the anger keeps me writing and very passionate about righting the wrongs I see within our government.
But what Really pisses me off is how the public at large shows so little emotion about all the bullshit going on in our Federal Government. That will depress me more than anything.
I am wail and wring hands stage~ thats why I haven’t commented lately~ it all seems so overwhelming lately. But I awoke crying this morning from a dream. The meaning just hit me reading this. My Kelsey looked at a child in my dream world, pointed at her and said in a clear strong voice”This is Stephannie”. A clear strong voice, where he had none…hope perhaps, my sisters? I think so.
Very inspirational Belle. I’m sure you’d rather be inspiring people with strong rhetoric about our administration, the MSM, and all the various wrongs that need to be brought out into the open. But we ourselves can only do so much before it starts to claw at our own spirits and thoughts. I completely understood Diva’s feelings as I understand yours. We all have to go with that path that the inner self leads us. Like the rotating tours of duty…we have ours too. Sometimes we have to sit back from the keyboard and think of other things…or just go do something else for our own sanity. We do sometimes have to stop and smell the roses. No one should feel guilty for taking a step back and enjoying some life. I am watchful for what will happen in the March on DC the 15th…I have a feeling of dread for that event…I hope I am wrong.
BAB
Don’t despair! Despite the chief idiot your spirituality should be envigored. I wish I could link to it from here but you have great reason for hope, I do. Chin up! Take a peak at my topic today, Obama and Oprah and I think you will feel recharged.
divajood ~ you have really inspired me. i’m 24 years sober and it seems i’ve just set aside the very things that gave me my life back. all of those trite sayings that are, in essence, the foundation of a good life. i so much appreciate your reminder.
dusty, absolutely. my anger has been very motivational too and i suspect it will be again. i just got out of balance. as a recovering drunk, that’s easy to do. you are kickin’ ass with your anger, woman. don’t stop. i also get frustrated that there seems to be such unconcern on the part of so many, and sometimes i think if i am strong enough in my rage, in my emotion, in expressing my feelings about the outrage, that i can make them care.
sagefever . . . hope, yes. somehow out of all of this despair and handwringing, i am more hopeful than i have been in a long time.
sumo, thank you for the affirmation. you know, i have not seen the march publicized to any great extent. that bothers me. there’s a little niggling fear that the turnout will be low and that will be taken as indication america’s behind the war. can’t control it. hope it is a good one. i am excited by the fact that it’s happening, just hoping for a huge turnout.
jim!! off to read!!
Hear, hear, BAB! You are not alone there. I find my own blogging dropping off for the same reasons. I feel like I’m talking to myself most days, & in the meantime, it seems not to affect very much of anything at all.
However, I remind myself that positive things have happened, just not fast enough for my tastes! For instance, the resignations of Gonzales & Rove, & don’t forget, the Democratic victory at the polls in the last Congressional elections. There is indeed a lot yet to be accomplished, but we also see that some in Bush’s “own” government have realized what’s up with him, & now go out of their ways & put their careers on the line to “leak” truthful info to the press, going as far back as the New York Times’s scoop on warrantless wiretapping, & more recently, the GAO having the balls to leak the real picuture in Iraq & the DHS, anticipating that indeed Bush will otherwise (left to his own devices) try to lie his way out of it. Some lonely souls remember what government was like before Bushco took office, & have decided to take a very public stand.
I confess, I’m mytified myself why there aren’t riots in the streets over it all, but perhaps change is incremental. Look how long it took to get us out of Vietnam.