Expressing Myself Authentically

I’ve been blog-surfing for hours, trying to come up with something to post about and I gotta tell ya, I got nothin’.

Sometimes I come across things that get me excited (more like worked up) and I start pounding out what ends up being an incoherent rant that goes straight into the “delete” zone.

One of the reasons I don’t post about everything that gets me riled up is because there are usually much more eloquent, elegant and passionate posts out there that express what I am thinking, quite nicely. But, there are times when I feel like I must express my own thoughts on an issue, incoherence be damned.

I started blogging to fulfill a need that I had to express myself. Being a military spouse and living and working in the military community, the times that I am able to express myself, authentically, are limited. For instance, in order to work in my current venue, I had to sign a contract that forbids me from discussing politics or religion while I’m on the job. For the most part, that’s a good thing because I work in the entertainment business and nothing is more of a downer than injecting politics or religion when you are trying to help people have a good time.

Mind you, over the years, I have had plenty of customers inject religion and/or politics into the evening’s festivities, but I try to move things along without comment because I can tell when others are getting irritated and to keep my job (particularly if I whole-heartedly disagree with particular comments).

Here’s the thing: As a home educator, I am home most of the day with just my children to socialize with. With constant deployments, I can’t rely on SSG Dizzy to be home to vent with and usually, the only time I socialize with other adults is when I’m working.

I have a blog related to my business, but I was walking a fine line posting about issues that were important to me but were not work related. I needed a safe place to vent my true frustrations, so I started blogging.

Most times, it’s hard to gauge what other military spouses are feeling. I imagine that some of them feel the same way as I do: support our husbands/wives who serve in the Armed Forces, but despise the war they are continually sent to fight. But, when you live on a military post, it doesn’t always feel safe to say, “F@ck this war! F@ck the Bush Administration! F@ck the Army!” Inside the four walls where I live and with my irregular guests, we let all those inhibitions fly, but out in public, very few of us feel like we can truly express ourselves authentically without alienating ourselves from what few friendships the average military spouse is able to rustle up.

I started blogging because I not only wanted to be heard, but I wanted to reach out to others who felt the way that I did about politics or issues that keep me awake most nights (particularly during deployments).

In less than 9 weeks, I am going to be leaning on the blogging community for strength to get through another deployment. I honestly don’t think I could have gotten through the last deployment without having this safe space to express myself.

I have been at this blogging thing for almost two years now and despite my frustrations (with the Democratic party, for instance), I don’t plan to go anywhere in the near future. Over the next several months I will probably piss a few people off, I will probably write a few pity posts, I will probably rant about stuff that most people don’t give a crap about.

All you need to know is that, no matter what I am going through during this next deployment, I will always express myself authentically, saying the things I should say, but can only feel safe doing so amongst my blog companions.

Blogging completes me and I’m glad to be part of community that truly accepts me and where I can truly be myself.