I KNOW! LET’S BAN THE CREATIVE WORKS OF GAYS AND LESBIANS

Parody by Praetorone, writing as…well, you’ll find out.

After careful consideration I have come to the conclusion that we need to back the Christian Right in its holy crusade to criminalize homosexuality. The Bible, after all, talks about Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, and if we want to be perfectly honest and devout, we must openly admit that the Bible not only demands that we “be fruitful and multiply,” it also prescribes the death penalty for homosexual acts.

But while the Christian Right is content to ban gay marriage, gay civil unions, gay adoption, and equal employment opportunities for gays and lesbians, I believe we must remove the artistic and literary expressions of gays and lesbians from our institutions of learning.

We might, for example, purge our educational institutions of the words and ideas of Socrates and Aristotle–ditto to the writings of Julius Caesar. Not only did these individuals engage in homosexual acts, they were also Pre-Christian Pagans. Do we really want to expose innocent grade school, high school, and college students to the demented writings of Pre-Christian heathens and perverts? I think not!

In a similar vein, we might ban recreations of artistic creations by Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo. Indeed, to prevent the reintroduction of their works into our classrooms, might even go so far as to destroy the original works themselves. What a glorious day it will be when we burn the original copy of da Vinci’s “Last Supper” and take the wrecking ball to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, I know, I know, this would involve the destruction of important Christian/artistic icons, but in many ways, creations such as these violate the Biblical prohibitions against idolatry, and, by the same token, we don’t want to leave our children with the erroneous idea that gays and lesbians are in in way talented or creative.

Having eradicated homosexual idols, we should turn out attention to homosexual monarchs, like King James I, who authorized the King James Bible. I see no reason why impressionable children should be exposed to a book that was authorized by a flamboyant homosexual. To that end we might consider the confiscation of and burning of copies of the King James Bible.

To preserve the innocence of our little ones we also have to ban the works of Danish Author, Hans Christian Anderson. I don’t know about you, but I am thoroughly convinced that the so called “childhood classic,” The Ugly Duckling, is, in fact, a veiled reference to cross dressing. Now is that appropriate reading material for innocent, young minds? I don’t think so!

Then we have Petr Ilich Tchaikovsky, a flaming fruit if ever there was one. What else ca you think about a man who wrote three ballets, one of which is titled “The Nut Cracker?” Now I ask you–shouldn’t we protect our children from that kind of suggestive porn? Especially during the Holiday Season when good Christians should be teaching one another how to hate and persecute human secularists? In my humble opinion, we should collect all of the scores of Tchaikovsky’s compositions and burn them in the public squares of American towns, villages, and cities. There is already an historical precedence for this: The Nazis, after all, burned the original manuscript of the Tchaikovsky Symphony Number 6 as they were retreating in defeat out of Stalin’s Russia. I say that if it was good enough for the Nazis it’s good enough for God fearing,hate mongering Christians as well!

Those offended by gay literature might want to purge society of works by William Shakespeare, Christopher Marlow, John Milton, Oscar Wilde, Marcel Proust, Walt Whitman, Tennessee Williams, Gertrude Stein, Virginia Woolf, and Allan Ginsberg. in fact I would go so far as to ban suggestive works such as the Dick and Jane series. What business does Jane have looking at Spot’s dick anyhow?

Yes, it’s a safe bet that the Christian-hating, homosexual lobby in this country and especially in Hollywood and San Francisco, will claim that we are attempting to put America’s artistic and literary expressions in proverbial straight jackets, but I think we all need to remember that an undereducated population is a Fundamentalist/Republican population.

Hooked on Ignorance Works For me

God Bless,

The Reich Reverend Rob Paterson.