What Do You Tell The Children?

November 16, 2007 by Dizzy Dezzi

We are about 9 to 11 days (depending on what list SSG Dizzy is on) from Iraq Deployment 3.0. I have been thinking a lot about what and/or how much to tell the children about where “Daddy” is going and why.

My babies are aged 7 and 5. They understand that Daddy’s job takes him away for long periods of time. Most times, lately, at least, they can count on their own hands how long Daddy will be gone.

The last two times SSG Dizzy was deployed, they were far too young to understand where Daddy was or even why he was gone, now they are much older and more inquisitive.

We don’t even lie to our kids about Santa, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy. Our kids understand that these “beings” are imaginary, that they don’t exist. We don’t threaten them with the loss of a visit from one of these “imaginary friends”, because we want them to understand that it’s Mommy and Daddy’s hard work that provides them with toys and candy and cash, not some “secretive being” that they will never meet.

But, we aren’t talking about something “imaginary”, here. This deployment is very real. This war is real. The worst outcomes could be very real for our family. It’s been bothering me that if we are not completely truthful with them, then the ramifications, for their emotional well-being could be severe, if the worst that can happen does, in fact, happen.

I’m comfortable with just telling them that “Daddy is going to work…in Iraq…(and point it out on a map)”. We don’t watch the news on television, so the only way they will hear about the war is from our own mouths, since they can’t read the newspapers, yet.

I do worry if I am a bad parent for not telling them, but I worry about how they may act out if they think Daddy is in danger. My young son is already afraid of the dark and sometimes wakes in the middle of the night because of nightmares. Both youngsters refuse to go to sleep if the closet door is open because of the “monster” who lives in there (his name is “Scary”). I fear that if they believe their father is in danger of being harmed, that it will be more difficult to get them to bed, at night, or keep them from acting out more (as in more than a typical 5-7 year old).

Heck, it’s hard enough for me to keep a good attitude, eat right, and sleep tight, especially when I hear about his unit/battalion in the news or when I haven’t heard from him in two days or more (via email or instant messenger). I can’t imagine putting that burden on a small child.

It makes me wonder that if (more) politicians (regardless of political affiliation) had loved ones who were serving in Iraq and loved ones back home waiting on their safe return, would they still give Bush a blank check for this war?

I wonder if more American families had loved ones who were serving in Iraq and loved ones back home crying on their shoulder every day, waiting on their soldier’s safe return, would they still be so nonchalant about the troops and whether or not they should be brought home TODAY?

When I was a kid, talk of war was ambiguous. It was not something that I had to worry about, despite having two parents in the military. Maybe that is the reason why I am having such a hard time even considering talking about war with my kids. Sure, I talk about it all the time with my eldest (he’s 18) and he understands.

But, I don’t want to tell my youngsters the truth about why Daddy is going to Iraq. Maybe it’s because I find it difficult to talk about this war with an unbiased tongue and without venom in my speech. There’s the superficial chit-chat of, “Daddy is in the Army and the Army is sending Daddy to Iraq…”. But, if I added, “…Daddy is going back to fight a war…”, when they ask why or what war is, in my head, all I can visualize is me losing it, much the same way I do when I see them playing with pointy metal objects near an electrical outlet. I freak the &%$# out!

I hate to make light, but it is so much easier talking to my kids about sex and where babies come from. Talking to them about the war is a nightmare I sincerely hope to put off, as long as possible.

Not for nothing, I’m including some links, for those who might be interested, to some sources to refer to in help finding a way to talk to kids about deployment and war: