Prezident Dizzy

Making note, in recent days, of GWBs penchant for signing statements that allow him to act outside of the law and even overwrite laws that he has recently signed, it got me to thinking what kind of laws I would “write or rewrite” if I was president.

Forget those laws that go without saying, such as bringing our troops home, post haste or restoring habeas corpus. I’m talking about writing signing statements that please only myself and maybe a hundred or so of my closest friends (you know? Jus’ like our current president!).

First off, I would establish an Office of Homeland Fashion Etiquette. That office would establish the Fashion Police Academy whose recruits would be sent out to ticket and arrest all the major fashion faux pas that far too many American citizens are well-known for. As punishment for their fashion crimes, they would be required to donate their fashion nightmares to the homeless or recycle the offensive wear to be reborn as something more fashion conscious. Citizens will be able to report their local plumber or that geek in their office who is always wearing white socks with black slacks and black shoes. Repeated infractions of Fashion Law would result in the offenders being visited, regularly by those ladies from “What Not To Wear”.

Next, I would establish an Office of Leftovers. This office would be responsible for collecting the day old leftovers of Americans and distributing them to homeless shelters and soup kitchens. Children who refuse to eat their brussel sprouts will be able to donate their veggies to someone less fortunate. Continuing the tradition of GWB, I’ll be appointing convicted felon, Martha Stewart to be the Secretary of that office.

Designated nap times for all citizens will be put into affect immediately. Office of Siestas will oversee that every citizen is allowed a time out while at work to re-energize their brain cells with catnaps. Of course, there will be exemptions allowed for high risk jobs, but otherwise, “The People” will be allowed to nap as the Office of Siestas deems is appropriate and necessary.

50% of the Press Corps will be replaced by bloggers. I’ll be appointing Keith Olbermann as my Press Secretary. His aide will be Stephen Colbert.

Chocolate will be established as the National Food. The “Got Milk” campaign will be replaced by “Got Chocolate?”

I’m instituting “Bring a President To Work Day”. Every working American will have a chance to invite their president to their job site so that I can experience their “pain”. Once a month, some lucky citizen will get the president’s pay (tax-free, of course) for one day and the president will get paid the citizen’s wage for that day. But, I don’t do windows, so if you are a window-washer, you are out of luck, pal.

Bringing 12 items to the 10 items or less register will now be a misdemeanor. Paying for your 12 items with lint and an apparently endless amount of loose, uncountable change, will ramp that up to a felony.

I’m jus’ gettin’ started. I’m ready to hear your totally outrageous ideas for signing statements. Help a Dizzy out, whydontcha?

Peace.

(crossposting is totally legal…)