Those of you who read Reconstitution know that recently, a verse-spouting wingtard visited me to “comment” the used-up scriptures of the religion of the moronic monkey. When these things happen, my mind immediately forms a library’s worth of responses to the stupidity. But a huge number of FACTS doesn’t mean squat to a Chimpleton; you might have better luck getting your car to run usig water as fuel than you’ll ever have trying to educate a wingtard. Still, I think it’s prudent to occasionally remind everybody of the differences between what a Chimpleton says he or she believes, and how they conduct themselves in their daily lives. So just for fun, let us review the high points of what it means to be a Chimpleton.

-Every Chimpleton insists that the Glorious Oedipal Crusade on Iraq is more important to our survival than even World War II was. If you want to find out just how deep a Chimpleton’s belief in this is, all you have to do is suggest to them that maybe we ought to be drafting people again, or making people live by the ration card system that Americans at home used in World War II. Hell, suggest to a Chimpleton that maybe we ought to PAY for this war even, and just watch how their deep belief system crumbles like a sand castle on a windy day. They love war-as long as they are asked for NO SACRIFICE AT ALL, personally or financially. They love the troops, but they hate giving them the proper equipment or aftercare if it means that THEY have to pony up.

-The Chimpleton has a deep belief in the notion that life begins at conception. The sad thing is, the Chimpleton doesn’t give a damn about life after the day of BIRTH. Just suggest to a Chimpleton that if we’re going to force babies to be born that we ought to increase funding for prenatal health for expectant mothers, or that we ought to expand SCHIP. For extra fun, point out that we’ve undoubtedly terminated the pregnancies of thousands of Iraqi women either by shooting or bombing them, or starving them. While you’re at it, point out that the GIs dying in Iraq for no reason were babies once too. Chimpletons don’t give a flying fig about anything outside the fetus, unless it’s a white woman in a permanent vegetative state.

-The Chimpleton claims in one breath that Christians are “persecuted,” and in the next breath they claim that Islam is some kind of devil religion. When you point out that they, themselves, are the chief persecutors of the BELIEFS of Christ, you can expect a rip-snortin’ good time will be had by all. Chimpletons claim to be Christian, but they despise gay people, the poor, and basically anyone not of the same skin color and religious sect as themselves. They love humanity, unless it falls into one of those other categories-at which point it isn’t even human anymore. If you like, for extra giggles point out how many perverts and closet cases exist among the “values” types. You will, of course, very likely be TALKING to one of those closet cases.

-The Chimpleton claims to love “free” markets. This, too, is easily brushed aside, as just about anyone can point out that under the Reign of Error collectivization of key industries and services has occurred at a pace that Stalin would have been jealous of. Go ahead-challenge a Chimpleton to point the difference out between megacorps merging and collectivization. Prepare to be called a bunch of names-but don’t prepare to learn anything.

And last but not least, point out that Chimpy’s economic policies have been tried at various times throughout the history of this Republic, and that they have failed miserably each and every time. When the wealth is all held at the top, the economy comes to a stop. It happened in 1876, and in 1929, and in 2007. This is why many of the laws we have governing things like antitrust and tax rates came into being. This is also why Social Security has been so successful; the “free” market was kept away from it, and it wasn’t subject to the whims of the greedy and/or the stupid. Challenge a Chimpleton to find you even one example of an economy like our present one producing anything but misery for the vast majority of the people. If you like, throw in a few words from Christ about money changers and the rich. Prepare to sidestep some punches.

You can have a Chimpleton weeping and wailing without even getting into what the moronic monkey’s done to the freedom once associated with the US. Go find one today, and use this primer as a handy guide. Enjoy!

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