GOD STEPS OUT OF CLOSET

GOD STEPS OUT OF CLOSET:
STUNS FUNDAMENTALISTS OF ALL FAITHS

From the Not So Anal Retentive Press

By SweetPea and PraetorOne

CHAPEL HILL–Religious leaders across the world were shocked and horrified when the Lord God admitted that he is a practicing homosexual. Speaking during a live interview on the March 24, 2008 broadcast of the 700 Club, the Lord God, AKA Jehovah, stunned the monotheistic world when he officially came out of the closet during the now controversial Christmas Eve interview.

According to the Lord God, age undetermined, he began to experience “homo erotic thoughts” in the Garden of Eden only moments after the creation of Adam and Eve.”I always wondered why I created a male first,” God told Robertson. “I could have created a woman, but for some odd reason I just wasn’t interested in the female gender Now I understand. Now I know why.”

In God’s official revision of the Old Testament mythology, Adam and Eve were driven out of Paradise in a fit of jealousy because Adam took took a sexual interest in Eve, not because Adam and Eve picked and tasted the forbidden fruit as often repeated in monotheistic fairy tales.

“I did everything for him, ” God complained, his voice raw with emotion. “I molded him out of clay, I breathed air into his lungs, I gave him a soul. And then he didn’t even write. He didn’t even call. He didn’t even send flowers! I feel so cheated! I feel so used!”

Considering God’s most recent confession, much of the Old Testament insanity against gay relationships must be considered in a new light. In a similar vein, those writings which delegate women to second class ciizenship or even property must be viewed in the proper context, that context being the Lord’s envious nature. According to psychiatric literature, many of the most rabid homophobes are those individuals who are either uncomfortable with, or trying to deny their own homosexual inclinations. As a result of the Lord God’s emergence from the closet we now have a more thorough understanding of the incidents in Sodom and Gomorrah.

“Dad was in classic denial, and it made him a little flamboyant.” said Jesus, the Prince of Piece. “He couldn’t exactly cross dress–that would never have gone over well with the Celestial Choir. But times have changed and now that he has discovered his true self we should be able to enact a true policy of love and forgiveness.”

God’s revelation did not go over well with all denominations. Religious leaders such as the Non Hung Moon, Pat Robertson, Osama Bin Laden, James Dobson, and the Iranian Ayatollahs were horrified.

“This is an outrage!” Robertson bellowed. “How can I be a right wing hatemonger when God himself won’t even hate the wrong kinds of people?!”

Robertson, who is well known for pulling his foot out of his mouth on a weekly basis, bellowed Biblical verses for the better part of fifteen minutes before Jesus intervened and turned the moronic televangelist into a pillar of salt.

“I don’t think he’ll be trying anything like that again,” Jesus chuckled.

With the exception of gay advocacy groups, the Lord’s unexpected announcement throws monotheistic religins into a virtual state of chaos. Without a designated target group to persecute, the theologically-obsessed will be required to find a new scapegoat; and that may not be possible in a world which is getting tired of fundamentalist hatred.”

All in all, I think Dad has done the right thing.” Jesus added. “And if the fundies find someone else to hate, [the fundies] just might find themselves on the inside of a salt shaker looking out.”