The Talk
March 30, 2008 by Fran
We were shaking in our boots today. This was the day we were going to have the talk with Mom about selling the house. Mom has been very clear that she wanted to stay in her house *forever*, and she began making that proclamation about 25 years ago, when there were no issues on the table. Fast forward to March 2007, when she had a mild stroke, that seemed to trigger first severe memory loss, which subsided to intermittent bouts of not being in the here & now. With a long list of chronics, it was clear that it was no longer wise to live at home alone, and the Doctor would ONLY release her to a care facility. Mom snapped into a lucidity I’d never seen before when she spent that day trying to fight that order to a care facility. We even tried playing the “this is what we need to do for now” card– Mom said- oh no– people go into those places, and do not get out. She knew.
Fast forward to a year later. We had let the house sit empty for a year, just to wait and see how things went, and because, frankly, no one wanted to rock her boat. She’d had enough trauma.
The cash flow situation demanded we sell her place, and it’s not good for a house to sit empty.
But how would Mom handle the news? We were not really asking permission– we HAVE to sell it to pay for her care, but we wanted to be respectful. So the idea was presented today. Starting with a reminder this was something she did for her Mother, and now it is time for us to do this for her. To our amazement, Mom said she realized the house sat empty for a year, and there is no way she can keep up with the house anymore. There were no tears, no meltdown. I just said Mom, we’d like to do this with your blessing. She said yes. We showered on the kudos for a job well done.
Later in a conversation, Mom said you know, I worked all those extra years to save money for retirement, and I wound up with this (being in a care facility). She was openly regretting spending the extra time, wear, tear & stress on the job, only to retire into severe health problems, and a steady downhill. I tried to cheer her up & tick through some accomplishments- including raising 2 fine daughters, but in the end, Mom was speaking the truth, from her perspective, and 20/20 hindsight. Looking back, she would have done things differently.
It is time to make this change, and thankfully Mom knows & accepts this as well.
Just so relieved.
Crossposted at Ramblings
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oh fran. my mom says the same thing. i am glad that things went as well as they did. it sounds like your mom made peace with it. my mom’s independence was lost when she moved here with my sister- her health has deteriorated to the extent that she can’t really make stairs. we ended up junking her car- it had set idle for a year. it wouldn’t run and it was 20 years old and rusted and rotted and whatnot. she always said that her car was her freedom. but she made the decision. and was as ok as she could have been. our moms are made of stuff that we can only imagine
hugs to you.
((hugs))
You know, when parents bring their kids up right, it eventually comes back to them. Glad it went well. My mom was totally independent until sometime after she turned 80. It became time for her to give up the condo because it was too large and too far from her children, and she reluctantly agreed. So the condo was sold and we moved her to an apartment near by sister. But then after about two years that became too much, and she reluctantly moved in with my sister.
It was a good time for her to be with my sister, I think they grew closer together, and we had a helper with mom during the day while my sister was at work. While over the last four years or so we could see her health, her physical being decline radically, it was good that she was under good care.
In the end, it really is true, the parent becomes the child and the child becomes the parent, and we have a chance to give back to the person who gave us life, and taught us and nurtured us.
http://indefatigable-indolence.org/blog1/2006/09/02/in-memorium/
betmo~ it’s hard to watch your parents go through these changes. Just in the time I have been here, Mom took a turn for the worse, and walking at all is too much for her. Even just getting up to get into a wheel chair, I can tell is excruciating for her. This is a new & recent development. You got that right– Moms being made of stuff we can;t imagine.
sagefever~ thanks!
big fella~ it is nice when family can take in the elder. My Sis has a tri level split level house, with stairs going every which way and everyone works. Mom needs 24/7 care, and a happening handicapped layout. We tried having in home helpers come to her house, but she would fire them, or send them home, or have an issue of some sort. We blazed through our list of options pretty quickly.
You have to just take it one day at a time.
i feel for you. if not for my stepmother, 15 years younger than my 90 year old father, he would be in a nursing home.
it would be a travesty, too. his brother also suffers from dementia, but the progress of the disease has been much quicker and i think, in part, it’s because they doped him up so much in the nursing home he’s in.
my dad is lucid and engaged, he just forgets a lot. but he forgets enough that he needs someone there with him. because we live in this fucking country where it takes every waking moment to keep body and soul together, there isn’t a spare child to care for him.
it’s such a fucking awful situation and i am so sorry you’ve had to go through this. i think we could do a lot in this country to make the care facilities less warehouse and more actual care homes.
I feel for you. I have the same problem with a bit of a twist. My mom passed away the 14th of February, and left me as Executor of her estate. Her insurer made it very clear to me that unless someone is in that house most of the time, the homeowners policy will be canceled.
I shuttle back and forth between my home and there (which I’d been doing for awhile before Mom passed away,) but truth be told I spend the better part of my time there, trying to get it ready to sell. I see Mom everywhere I look, and I have only recently been able to bring myself to start packing up her personal things. I tried before, but it always ended in tears.
belle~ I used to volunteer @ nursing homes as a kid 30 ish years ago & they were hellish. They wreaked of urine, and people seemed warehoused- parked in wheelchairs in sterile industrial hallways, seemingly waiting to die. My Sis & I did a whirlwind tour of a bunch of facilities when we were told she had to be in a care facility. They all kind of look the same from the outside, but some of them were SO bad, we cut the tour of the place short. One flew over the cukoos nest bad. No professional staffers, run down dismal places– we developed a code– when is that next appointment? We gotta go!!! One place we said to each other on the way out– run don’t walk the hell out of here. The care facilities of quality these days have 24 hour actual medical staff- an RN & Doctors available, they have activities up the yin yang, including exercise, and a library w computer access, the one my Mom is in also has a day care facility for little kids & they mix it up– kids do little programs, or art projects and they share them with the elders.
They have live concerts a few times a week, wine & cheese sessions, and other fun stuff. But to get into a decent facility– especially if you need total care & meds management, is just off the charts. Half of the places are now run by hotel industries, and they care- until the money runs out. Once you have tapped your cash flow, they are done with you & don’t take medicare. The long term care facilities that do take medicare have a 1 to 2 year waiting list.
I think the gravy cruising facilities should be outlawed. If you want to be in the care industry, you have to accept medicare because with anywhere from $2000 to $8000 a month, depending in the level of care you need, you are going to burn through your cash in short order. Bush’s medicare drug coverage cuts off early on, and many seniors are paying an additional $500 a month out of pocket just for meds, that medicare does NOT cover- add that to the rent. I almost fell off the chair when they said- oh & that $7,000 a month does NOT include laundry services. Many of them charge by the pound to do laundry.
You could live at the frickin Hilton for that amount.
So it’s rough, but this society is set up in a way we all are busting ass to keep afloat— not even living any fancy lifestyle, and we struggle to figure out how to care for our elders, when everyone is working full time.
It sucks. Even if I could give up my job & care for Mom, I could not realistically do it 24/7–I would need relief as well.
Jolly R ~ It’s something how when you are dealing with a loved one’s stuff, all of the sudden something just gets to you. For me it was Mom’s clothes closet. Every now & then I would have this wave of sadness- what a raw deal she got, or wished she was able to have more joy out of life. The most special thing from her house was the collections of photos- those old tin types & sepia toned pics back from the 1920’s.
I asked Mom if she wanted to give a few things to friends & neighbors, so some crystal & a cool little tiffany lamp went to people close to her, as a momento/gift. They were so happy to have something like that, I’m glad I asked. I am walking away from it realizing life is short & to take the time to smell the roses.