Reflections on Family
May 12, 2008 by Diva Jood
My mother died in 1984 from ovarian cancer. The year was hellish on many levels. My mother and I had never been close; she was cold, a hypochondriac, paranoid, fearful. She self-medicated with pills and alcohol, and did not get the help she so desperately needed. There were circumstances that drove her to the mental state she lived, but suffice it to say that, as one of ten children, she struggled for attention and never had the tools to properly nurture. Far from it; at one point, she told me that if I had been a better daughter, she would never have gotten ovarian cancer.
My father died in 1996 from pulminary fibrosis, a calcifying of the lungs which causes suffocation. He’d had lung cancer 25 years before, and this pulminary fibrosis developed eventually because of the aggressive treatment he’d had for the lung cancer. Pa was one of seven, but not as cleanly as my mother was. My father’s mother and father were divorced when he was four; she eventually remarried, and her second husband (grandpa) had five children with his first wife, Molly, who had died from cancer. Then grandma and grandpa had one more child, rounding out the seven.
My father was a fun guy; he was the classic “hale fellow well met”, a screw-up in business, and a drinker. He was unhappy in his marriage, but refused to divorce because it just wasn’t good for the children. I don’t think he ever forgave me for divorcing, but that’s another story.
While I was in Chicago, my mother’s sister Sally died at age 98. This leaves only two of the ten left, and they are both in their 90s. And yesterday, I received an email from one of my cousins telling me that my father’s sister Anne died May 8th. He had a link to the obituary, and the shock of all shocks: since Anne was one of grandpa’s five from his first wife, the obituary only listed those siblings - a complete erasure of my father and my aunt Junie. Aunt Anne was the last of my father’s siblings - so now, my brother and I, and our cousins on Pa’s side are the older generation. We’re it. And I feel adrift in a world of chaos.
My upbringing was not easy. Still, with the tools of recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous, I feel that I’ve made strides in forgiving my parents for their mistakes - my mother did not have any tools, and frankly, what she experienced was pretty awful. I know that she did the best she could with absolutely no tools for living. I know that she was not intentionally cruel, but that she really thought she was doing her best. I know that I did NOT cause her ovarian cancer. And I know that I’ve become a better mother even though I didn’t have an example of good mothering to follow.
Still, I feel that I lack something, some deep ability to make a real connection with others. I live alone, and I am happy to isolate. I have friends, and I do see them with regularity, but am equally happy to sit at home without contact with others. That’s so weird! Even I know it’s peculiar. But reading that obituary yesterday put me in a very dark place.
At any rate, Beanie and my daughter called me yesterday morning to wish me happy Mommy’s day. Beanie talked a lot, she’s really exploded in her language skills, and she’s having a field day making fun of my snoring. Then my son called in the evening to wish me happy Mother’s day, and I had a great conversation with him. He’s so funny, and he’s brilliant. I am very proud of my kids, despite the fact that they don’t get along with each other. My fault, I know it. I don’t know how to fix it, as they are 37 and almost 35. I’m done raising them.
Life is messy. Family is messy. We all do the best we can, and we all muddle through. But today, today I feel a bit blue, and lost, in a sea of chaos.
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your kids have to figure it out for themselves- and i hope that they will. there comes a time in everyone’s life where they have to stand up and decide to be an adult about things. that means thinking rather than just reacting- as adolescents do- and parsing through what it means to be human. it means forgiving other people for the wrongs that they have done to you- because you are human and have wronged other folks. it’s about letting go of the past but keeping the good memories. it isn’t easy. my dad is an alcoholic- and not really very nice. i guess you would say that we are estranged because i don’t care if i speak to him or not and i don’t go out of my way. if he contacts me- fine. i keep the lines open because he and my mother are still married although they haven’t lived together for years and years. i used to lament the fact that i didn’t have a ‘normal’ family- where the kids were free to be kids and do what they wanted and the parents were happy together. and then i realized- as i started getting to know people better- there aren’t any ‘normal’ families. everyone has some kind of issue. and i discovered that the past was what i had no control over- and that i held the fate of my future in my own hands. i didn’t have to carry my parent’s baggage around with me- i could make my own
and it was freeing.
i also discovered that i didn’t have to be bothered with other folks. not really. of course, there are social settings where i have to go- based on relationships of mine or my husband’s- but i don’t have to have friends that i don’t want- and i can cut the ones that were toxic or stagnant and i don’t have to extend myself any further than i want to. i am not a people pleaser or schmoozer anymore. i don’t have to smooth the waters or get triggered by foul language and misogyny or interact with people who are emotionally stunted. and i can look back at my parents’ lives from a more objective point of view and see them as people- not my parents- and i can be more understanding. sometimes.
and the most freeing thing i have found- it’s ok to be me because i don’t give a shit what others think about me anymore. you can like me or not- and it simply doesn’t bother me because i have decent people in my life who love me and i love them- and that is really all that matters. there will always be the small minded or mean spirited broken people who try to tear you down or cut you out- but it’s all good. tmi into betmo’s life- i know
but you don’t have to feel alone and you don’t have to be lonely when you are by yourself- it sounds like you are comfortable in your own skin most days.
betmos last blog post..no surprises there
You know, Betmo, I think there are times when the chronic pain I live with colors everything. I am pretty comfortable in my own skin, but when I ache, it skews everything. I take it your dad is still an active, rather than recovering alcoholic. That’s tough. It’s the reason my daughter is seperated. I am grateful I found AA, it has saved a lot, and actually brought me to forgiving my parents, as well as myself for my own bad behavior. And NORMAL is what we are familiar with; healthy is something else entirely!
Diva Joods last blog post..Reflections on family
very true
betmos last blog post..‘let them be autistic’
Ah, Betmo, after I saw the film, “Snow Cake”, I decided that I am probably autistic. Then my friend said, “No, that would be ARtistic.”
Diva Joods last blog post..Israeli Center Against House Demolitions
Jood~ I think we all go through different phases. When we are young & living with family, we have to try to find a way to co exist, but later as we branch out in our lives we sometimes just have to let other family members sort out their own stuff. You can’t force compassion, or caring, so people have to find their way. Some folks waste a lifetime carrying old baggage that would be easier ***for them*** if they let it go.
Some never figure that out. My parents had family fights that lasted so long, they did not even remember what it was the fight was about. the rest of the family had to figure out a way to function within the dysfunction. This craziness went on until those Sisters were in their 80’s. Thankfully they made peace before one passed away…. but all those years wasted. It takes 2 to tango & each of them contributed to the bickering & remaining off speaking terms for years at a time. Either one could have just said sorry- let’s just agree to disagree. Nope 5 years would go by.
I think being alone is a double edged sword– it;s ok to be alone- sometimes I savor it…. just having that break, but other times I feel I must get out there & interact. I like to steel away with a close friend to an art museum, or a bike ride, or out for coffee or tea- nothin’ fancy, just the time to visit and touch base. The interaction is good ~ so find the balance. I too have times of being overshadowed with physical ills….
I have bad knees. 4 surgeries, 1 totally replaced & the other in need of replacement (bone on bone).
Having space is good, but too much solitude can be too much sometimes. Not like you have to live a wild life– go sit by a tree or on abridge to watch the water go by or birds fly around…. it helps clear the brain, renew the spirit.
frans last blog post..Million Mom March
Fran, there is a spiritual principal that goes roughly like this: I go first. If we’re having a dispute, it’s up to me to go first to amend the situation. The wasted years you describe with your aunties is true in so many families - my Aunt Anne didn’t go to my father’s funeral because she’d gone so underground at that point, she didn’t talk to any of the remaining family. As for my kids, they speak to each other, but they are constantly sniping at one another, or telling me how awful the other one is. It’s ridiculous. You’re absolutely right - life is too short to be constantly angry.
Families are so messy. But it makes life interesting.
Diva Joods last blog post..Israeli Center Against House Demolitions