Breaking News: Killer Thongs Near Release

No longer solely in the realm of James Bond and Spy vs. Spy, panties weaponry wedged itself into a tight spot last week when a prototype backfired, nearly blinding an undercover agent. Damage control quickly contained the story, passing it off as a simple wardrobe malfunction.

Macrida Patterson, 52, says she was attempting to try on the thong when a decorative metallic piece flew off the garment and struck her in the eye. - Orlando Sentinel

Oh, those 52 year-old kittens!

Meanwhile, Vegas headliners are scrambling for the exits, convinced the era of safely being swamped by panties is finished.

“Talk to my agent”, snapped one crooner, who declined to be interviewed. “I can’t believe I’m reduced to playing a room full of women still wearing their thongs. Vegas is over, baby.”

The CIA issued a skin tight statement today that agents are required to wear nothing more risqué than boy shorts. “Tangas at the most”, one harried press staffer moaned later. “It’s seen as a detriment to productivity. .. but jeez, our jobs suck, so why the hell jam us with granny panties? Wait, you’re taping this?”

This reporter met with a deep cover source, code named Donkey Thong, who revealed the killer thongs are real, and the women are practicing safe target sex all over Langley.

“Initially, there were, um, incidents… things got out of hand. Sheer torture. Now we’ve got agents that can pole dance and lay a target down at 100 yards without missing a step. You never feel them coming. They’re working on a new style that can kill twice. Best guess? The thongs are a bare minimum, 3 days to liftoff. The damage they can do… well, they strip down any advantage the other side might fantasize about.”

Developing…

Crossposted at Bring It On!