crisis of spirit

in the interests of full disclosure- i have been feeling a bit off lately. ok, for a really long time. i truly don’t understand people. at all. i don’t belong within my own species. i suppose some of the ancients felt the same way as the end of their empires fell- fiddling on rooftops while cities burn kind of thing. i don’t know quite what to do about it- and that’s where i am at. my own species; my own neighbors; my own countrymen- disgust me.

i hate leaving my house and that’s the honest truth. everyday, i witness things that make me crazy- simple things in the grander scheme of things- but those little things add up to the impeachable and indictable behaviours at the very top of our country. it’s law here in new york state that you have to talk on your cell phone while driving- with a headset device. hands free- i believe it’s billed. it’s law, but i honestly believe that my husband is the only one who uses his. that’s one example.

my former neighbors are another- turning on each other and gossiping about each other behind backs- and calling code enforcement on people when angry. it’s a small step from code to homeland security. it’s a mind set. anyway, all of these little things swirl around in my mind putting themselves together eventually into a mosaic that shows me a picture.

and the picture is ugly. what the hell is wrong with us? what is wrong with the rich western nations that we believe that the world is our garbage dump? what is wrong with the governments of third world nations who believe that their people are just garbage? i look around and i see this time and again- and i want to know why? why is it so difficult to believe that we have effectively killed our planet? half of the world’s primates are expected to be in danger of extinction soon. half. do you know what we are? we-are-primates.

i wrote in my journal recently that i was terribly disillusioned with america. the land of my birth; the country that i believed in; that i believed stood for freedom and innovation- that land was an illusion. my country is greedy and grasping and bullying; my country is part of the western world cartel that thinks nothing of treating africa and other parts of the poor world- as throwaway. treats human beings as ‘collateral damage’ in their quest for profits. my neighbors are ’salt of the earth’ americans doncha know? blue collar- janitors, ibm workers, manufacturers, crossing guards, nurse’s aides- ‘real americans’- and they talk with disdain about people of color and homosexuals and anyone who doesn’t look like them or act like them and it disgusts me. these are the people who have lost america. these are the people who don’t think twice about where their big screen tvs go- or their old cell phones or their computers- if they even have one. they don’t think about where they came from or how they get to the stores- they just care that george bush would be a cool guy to have a beer with in the backyard bbq. because he’s from texas. except they are too stupid to realize that he’s not.

so, i ask again- why? who are we and why do we continue to let this go on? and isn’t it going to be lonely without a few billion people?