GOD STEPS OUT OF CLOSET

GOD STEPS OUT OF CLOSET:
STUNS FUNDAMENTALISTS OF ALL FAITHS

From the Not So Anal Retentive Press

By SweetPea and PraetorOne

CHAPEL HILL–Religious leaders across the world were shocked and horrified when the Lord God admitted that he is a practicing homosexual. Speaking during a live interview on the March 24, 2008 broadcast of the 700 Club, the Lord God, AKA Jehovah, stunned the monotheistic world when he officially came out of the closet during the now controversial Christmas Eve interview.

According to the Lord God, age undetermined, he began to experience “homo erotic thoughts” in the Garden of Eden only moments after the creation of Adam and Eve.”I always wondered why I created a male first,” God told Robertson. “I could have created a woman, but for some odd reason I just wasn’t interested in the female gender Now I understand. Now I know why.”

In God’s official revision of the Old Testament mythology, Adam and Eve were driven out of Paradise in a fit of jealousy because Adam took took a sexual interest in Eve, not because Adam and Eve picked and tasted the forbidden fruit as often repeated in monotheistic fairy tales.

“I did everything for him, ” God complained, his voice raw with emotion. “I molded him out of clay, I breathed air into his lungs, I gave him a soul. And then he didn’t even write. He didn’t even call. He didn’t even send flowers! I feel so cheated! I feel so used!”

Considering God’s most recent confession, much of the Old Testament insanity against gay relationships must be considered in a new light. In a similar vein, those writings which delegate women to second class ciizenship or even property must be viewed in the proper context, that context being the Lord’s envious nature. According to psychiatric literature, many of the most rabid homophobes are those individuals who are either uncomfortable with, or trying to deny their own homosexual inclinations. As a result of the Lord God’s emergence from the closet we now have a more thorough understanding of the incidents in Sodom and Gomorrah.

“Dad was in classic denial, and it made him a little flamboyant.” said Jesus, the Prince of Piece. “He couldn’t exactly cross dress–that would never have gone over well with the Celestial Choir. But times have changed and now that he has discovered his true self we should be able to enact a true policy of love and forgiveness.”

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THE LATEST IN HYPOCRISY: PRAYING FOR THE DEATHS OF YOUR RELIGIOUS AND POLITICAL OPPONENTS

“Set thou a wicked man over him and let Satan stand at his right hand. When he shall be judged, let him be condemned: and let his prayer become sin. Let his days be few, and let another take his office. Let his children be fatherless and his wife a widow. Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg; let them seek their bread also out of desolate places. Let the extortioner catch all that he hath; and let strangers spoil his labor. Let there be none to extend mercy unto him: neither let there be any favor to his fatherless children. Let his posterity be cut off; and in the generation following let their name be blotted out. Let them be before the Lord continually, that he may cut off the memory of them from the earth. Because that he remembered not to show mercy, but persecuted the poor and needy man, that he might even slay the broken in heart. As he loved cursing, so let it come unto him: as he delighted not in blessing, so let it be far from him. As he clothed himself with cursing like as with his garment, so let it come into his bowels like water , and like oil into his bones. Let it be unto him as the garment which covereth him, and for a girdle wherewith he is girded continually. Let this be the reward of mine adversaries from the Lord and of them that speak evil against my soul.” Psalm 109, verses 6 through 20

When the staff members of Americans United For Separation of Church and State asked the IRS to investigate the Reverend Wiley Drake, Vice President of the Southern Baptist Convention for what they believed were Drake’s violation(s) of federal tax law, Americans United had no idea that they would soon find themselves on the receiving end of Imprectatory Prayers in which Drake and his ilk were openly praying for the physical harm and even deaths of American United Staff members. For those of you who missed this twisted imbecility-and we’re bound and determined that you won’t–Mister Drake and his demented followers went right to the Book of Psalms to find violent imagery which they promptly transformed into the Christian versions of death curses. Among the verses that they bantered about were:

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DISGUSTED

By PraetorOne and BibleBelted

I always thought that the far right, so called “religious right” (I just can’t bring myself to call them Christians anymore) were dead set against social programs and social spending. Well, as it turns out, it appears as if they don’t mind social spending as long as they’re the beneficiaries of those social programs. And I am not talking about the way in which they want to eradicate the wall between Church and State which prevents the government from favoring one faith over the other. Although I am certain that is their idee fixe.

No, I am talking about right wingers who complain about social spending by established programs when it benefits the lower classes and racial minorities but who have no problem when it comes to playing the system for their own ends. I recently had the dubious pleasure of encountering people such as these, and the lengths to which they will go to play the system are astounding. One of the individuals who I encountered is a dyed in the wool Republican, a member of he Religious right, who is currently attempting to apply for Medicaid. This comes after an extended use of Medicare. Having bilked that program for God only knows how many thousands of dollars, he is now attempting to apply for Medicaid and the length to which he will twist the system are nothing less than amazing. Assets are being shuffled from family member to family member. Possessions are being purchased in family members’ names so that he won’t have too many. Luxuries are being Orwellianized into necessities, ad nauseam. To make the situation even worse, this same individual sees no contradiction in his attitudes and behavior as he issues veiled remarks which demonize and blame the poor and minorities for their own poverty and inequality. Read more

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